Stress

Everything is suddenly stressful! It may be because I depend on others that are not available to communicate. It may be because I doing so little compared to what I am used to. Or maybe I just don't have the energy I want, and I need to slow down. This stress, I am sure has made my blood pressure go way up, my sciatic nerves to pinch, my jaw to ache, and my adrenalin to flutter. I think I would like to latch on to one project and to work on it fully to the end of my days. I would like a wonderful group of people to work with. And I would like to have the support of my children. Or do I mean that I want them to support themselves? No, I really mean I would like to work together with them on a singular important project. One that does not require living all together, but that has a certain appeal. We spend so much time and money trying to keep up with, keep track of, and keep in touch with each other. I just want to dig in and get something done that is sorely neglected. I want to establish a new lifestyle that makes sense. I really want to continue my work with children and find joy in every day.

Are we all on drugs?

Vitamins are not drugs, alcohol is, and maybe chocolate should be added to the list. We offer candy as a reward and children easily become addicted to sugar. There it is in the supermarket right by the register in colorful packages calling to us. The clerk even knows when we grab a bag of peanut M&Ms, that we want it right now and hands it back after ringing it up. And that rack of of candy bars and gum is often the target for a child's first theft. It is small and easy to put in a pocket when everyone is busy unloading the cart. It's so easy, it must be expected, and so the grocer becomes our first drug pusher. Chocolate makes us feel good. It makes us happy when that serotonin is released. As we get older, we are encouraged to try stronger drugs like coffee to wake up and sips of whiskey for our cold and drug store remedies for every problem and prescriptions for even more serious problems. My mother never told me about depression. I am not sure if she ever had any. She was always spunky. But, as I talk to my friends and coworkers, it seems that depression abounds. Happy pills are no longer peanut M&Ms. They are prescriptions that the doctors give so that we can function normally. How else can we handle the stress that gives us a rash, or the sadness that throws us on a couch with a blanket for four hours of HBO movies. So far, I have handled it with out doctor pills. Except for the month after my mother's death when I filled a scrip for Ativan. Half a pill put me to sleep when I would wake from nightmares that made my heart race my stomach churn, and my head spin. I quit watching violence on TV and gave up the pills. My daily anxiety does not require pills if I write, paint, garden, sing, or volunteer. My daily sadness does draw me to the easy chair at times, hoping to find a friend on Facebook. But planning lunch with a friend is far more fun. We cannot avoid stress, drama and loneliness. Best way to deal with them is to face them and tell them off if need be and replace them with more enjoyable feelings of love, sharing and together time.

Favorite Sayings

My dad said, "He who finishes first gets to help the others". He was referring to our dessert which my mother served every night back in the days when we all sat down together as a family. Does anyone do that anymore? His saying could refer also to helping others in a charitable way if you complete your own work. Just for fun, I asked a table of men in the Mall to write down their favorite sayings. One said, "Clean mind, clean body". That reminds me of grandma's, "cleanliness is next to Godliness." Another said, "Bring a sack lunch and a friend". Now that sounds like an organizer or a fun loving trip taking person. I hope the future holds some sack lunch occasions for us still. A third said, "Six pack and a pizza". And that means instant party in every generation. I am not sure what I expected from a group of retired men that meet for coffee every day at 9am. Maybe,"Fish or cut bait", or, "Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house". My father-in-law like, "The one with the gold rules", as his favorite Golden Rule. I would love to hear more timeless sayings that are important to you my readers. My mom said, "You catch more bees with honey than with vinegar". But my all time favorite is, "Don't run for your life, write for your life". So, write thank you notes, stories, poems and journals. Write letters to the editor, sermons, articles, and contracts. Write it down and remember what you want people to know about you. But, be careful because the pen is mightier than the sword- and some words are hard to take back.

Forgiveness and Funnybones

Forgiveness is the single and simple way to feel better and move on when there has been an insult, slight or snub. It is the only way, really, to free oneself of all the bad things that follow any injustice. Hitting the elbow can really zing, so why is it called the funny bone? I think we have one in our brain as well. Someone can say something insulting or cruel that everyone else finds so funny. If we laugh along, it hurts less. I jump around the room saying oo oo oo, when I hit that spot on my elbow. We could all try that next time someone throws a zinger at us. And then forgive them. Even better, tell them you are sorry for what ever caused them to be so hurtful. How do you forgive someone who neglects you. If you tell them, you become a nag. Rude behavior can also be purposely not including someone. There is so much doubt and confusion when someone is excluded. Are we friends or aren't we? Do people like me, if not what do I need to do differently? Keep a sense of humor no matter what. And perhaps you need to ask for forgiveness for something you said or did that was offensive. Time heals these wounds. But if there are scars and new wounds are opened; start afresh. It is easier to make amends with family than to move on. But, sadly, some frinedships come to an end and it is not the end of the world. A new job, a new town, a new group can work wonders to heal your heart and lift your spirit. Learn from past mistakes and try not to repeat them.

Happy and Healthy

The wedding of Elise and Matthew was wonderful. It seemed that everyone had a good time and was comfortable and happy. That is all I hoped for. Matt's Mom, Jane, and I agree that all we wish now is for the couple to be happy and healthy in their marriage together. We know that it is not simple. Health is a fragile state in any normal situation. Exercise, eating nutritious foods and getting a good night's sleep are the main elements but often neglected in the busy lifestyles of our children. Illness, from the slightest cold to cancer, can creep up and smack you down because we are surrounded by unnatural chemical exposures and because our systems weaken when our spirit weakens. A strong marriage is easy when there are strong bodies and spirit. Happiness can be affected by small annoying behavior or events, but not if there is an inherent joy that laughs at the trivial and looks for the lesson. The daily lesson should always be: " Our love can overcome any obstacle". How do we keep a strong spirit? That is really, really hard when there are negative influences, anti-religious trends, and fatigue. Stay away from negative people! Have a day of rest every week. Find people who care about the things you do, and join forces to make some one's life better. Churches, charities, mentoring groups and coaching, are all places where there is fun to be had. Using your talents and meeting new people is such a spirit filled occupation. How to stay positive in a negative situation requires one good friend to be supportive- not a legion. My children remind me when I am getting to be a complainer or a picky person, and I still remind them of things more than I should. Our family love is also spirit building. I want to be a person my family looks to and not runs from. Be happy in your love, children, and pass it on to others.

Money

There are a few people in the world that feel thy have enough money. Some give it away freely and others spend it quickly, even before they have earned it. Money gives people an identity and status whether they use it charitably or to amass material things. Money is power and the love of it causes corruption. Even in a normal situation where the dollar is not being used to deceive or used as an abuse of power, there are always issues. One problem is that couples seldom agree on a plan for saving and spending. Should they control their own earnings and split the expenses, or pool their salaries and invest it together? If financial struggles ensue, when is it appropriate to ask others (like their parents) for help, or should they arrange for a loan? I certainly like to feel that I contribute to my marriage financially and have some freedom to spend as I wish. But, I have given nearly all control to my husband. Perhaps that was my way of giving him my trust or it was my delusion that money was not important to our happiness. In fact, I have complained about his spending and his refusal to buy things I wanted for our home. Now that I'm in my fifties there is little that I want or need and I am trying to downsize and give away. Looking back, all I ever wanted from anyone was time together and loving relationships. What we have saved for our children and grand children may not be their style. We want them to have the best but to also realize that we have put to much importance on material things. They too just want to know they are loved. They want to spend time together. They don't care about the cars, or furnishings, or trust accounts. I hope we can take care of each other in a way that is healthy and not based on wealth. Thankfully, we know how to work hard and use what we have wisely. I would like to be remembered as being generous with my time and love. Let the money not be wasted or worshiped, but used only for the glory of God.

Pretentious

How silly the working class is to try and mimic royalty and its extravagant waste. Weddings have become the kind of parties where families have gone to great lengths to show their wealth, or to put on a show for those they need to impress. Wedding etiquette is a myriad of rules for the mother of the bride to follow so that those who do not want to be impressed and honored to be invited, can find fault. It starts with petty things like how the invitation is worded and addressed and it explodes into even more nit picking with: where people sit at the church and reception, is the bride's dress modest enough, what kind of alcohol is served, and what is the point of the favors. Trying to keep things simple gets such a critical review by some, but to me, has been a philosophy for success. The best weddings that I have been to were simple, comfortable and fun. The invitations were not engraved, the dress was an heirloom, and I don't recall the alcohol- it wasn't the focus. The best music at any family gathering is the music played by family and friends, and the best favors were the memories and the candid pictures. Now that I have two weddings to plan in a year; I want them to be lovely and enjoyable. I don't remotely hope to compete with the Royal Wedding, but I know I will see Princesses walking down the aisle. I want our guests to enjoy the event, but I know there will be eyebrows raised and muffled chatters when traditions are not followed. I found myself doing the same at the last dozen weddings, because I was taking mental notes on what will make the perfect day for our daughters. Then I remembered: It is not about me and my party planning skills, there is nothing I can do that will please my critics, and there is no such thing as a perfect event. Things go wrong no matter how well the planning was done, and things happen that are not planned. That is part of the fun. I hope the weather will be nice, the food tasty, and the music lilting. I hope the guests will be happy, the bride and groom maddly in love, and the father of the bride calm. The only thing I really can control are my own emotions- and I don't expect to do that very well.

Happiness and Joy

For years my mother-in-law has said, " I just want everyone to be happy." And I now find myself saying the same thing when asked what I want for Christmas. I find myself thinking it when ever we are together as a family, and praying it when we are apart. But, happiness can be so elusive. It is dependent on conditions and actions of others. Happiness is a cause/effect relationship. So it is now joy we must seek. Joy is a feeling that is part of our personality; our emotional and spiritual make-up. Happiness relies on facts and joy emanates from the truth. The facts don't always support the truth. Our Pastor clearly exemplified this when telling the story of the perfect Christmas gift. He received a beautiful designer shirt that was his size. Yet, when he tried it on, the button at his mid section nearly popped. It was a "slim fit' shirt, or "demon shirt" as he put it. There went his self esteem and moment of happiness. Joy filled people do not need numbers to bring them happiness. Numbers can guide us, but also be deceiving. Weight, age, size, price, are all relative. We should not let them dictate our happiness. So, joy. What is it and how can I get me some? It is more than a Pollyanna attitude or a positive thinker. it is more than finding the serendipity. It is more than being lucky and having things always go right. Joy is knowing the truth: that all things are leading to a glorious time. There are many who need to beleive that there is something more than this life and those who are content with what they have. Some who look hopefully to heaven and those who argue against our immortal souls. That is the point. We will feel joyful when we stop looking for happiness and stop cursing that which takes away our happiness. We will be joyful when opinions of others really don't matter because we live in truth and our joy is contagious. Hannah was only five when she said, "Laughter is contagious". Bethany was only three when she said, "Love is the answer." Elise was only seven when she sang solo," A child, a child, shivers in the night, he will bring us goodness and light". Each child has a message that I hope will continue to guide them in their lives.

How to love without ceasing...

Do all that you can with out expecting a return of any kind.
Cook, clean, shop, work, but do it for more than yourself.
Give hugs, kisses and back rubs.
Think of kind words of praise, and say them often.
Start your day with words of encouragement.
Offer your help and give it cheerfully.
Support others in their mission and their dreams.
Work as a team and by yourself with out complaint.
Rest but don't get lazy. Plan but don't be demanding.
Celebrate with song, dance and music.
Offer to others before you help yourself.
Never make one sandwich or pour one drink.
Find new ways to delight others with your creativity.
Have high expectations of yourself without demands on others.
Lead by example, follow your heart.
Provide with out keeping track.
Give generously.
Don't fret or nag but go back to the beginning and start all over.

Self Absorbed

If you are lonely, you can go so many places where there is someone to talk to. Shopping, just about anywhere, from the grocery store to the antique store; there are people waiting to talk to you, help you and be to friends. Yes, they want you to buy something- so what. Church and Bible study groups are everywhere. People waiting with open arms to listen, pray, and offer loving guidance are abundant. Restaurants offer food friendship and football on the TV. Everyone wants to cheer their team on with a fellow fan. Neighbors: sometimes the person right next door is looking for a tea time break to discuss life and find direction. Volunteering at schools, assisted living centers, and hospitals where there are people captive and wanting some single attention takes the depression out of two lives. Forget lonely!

If you are tired, try a new routine. Moderate exercise (take a walk each day and increase slightly with a little house cleaning), eliminate some gunky intake and replace it with something nutritious that you have avoided. (fruit smoothie instead of chocolate). Pick a bedtime and turn off that TV when you start to doze. Pick a wake time and get started with a to do list. A balance of proper eat, sleep, and exercise does wonders, but if you have become ill, get thee to the doctor and get back on track.with the help of someone who can eliminate a problem. Forget tired!

If you lack confidence, it is tough to change but you have to get out of that trap. Start small doing something enjoyable and perhaps creative. Connect with a computer group, start a hobby you always wanted to try. Help someone with their hobby. Have a goal in mind to build on, but start with a small one. Being afraid of pain embarrassment or failure is a poison to the soul. Forget scared.

If you have no money. Try not to borrow any more or use credit. Start with a part time job, and spend only on the things that are necessary. Try to save a little and then work into a full time job. Save a little more and buy only what is necessary. Why do we buy so much to clutter our lives? Try selling what you don't use. Sure, artists have to make a living too. What would all the merchants do without our support? Leave that to the people that have money to spend. Develop your own skills and save Forget poor.

If you are angry, mistrusting, or hurt. Walk away from the people or things that abuse you. Find new people who are loving. Don't go back to people who say they have changed. They probably haven't. Forget abuse.

Now you can give back and stop looking within. Now you can feel free and love. Now you can put others first without competing. Forget yourself. Live in the light.

Stoplight

Life seems simple when there are basic rules and standards that we all agree to follow. We would all be dead or crippled with out traffic rules- I am so thankful for the stoplight. if only we had stoplights in our head for all behaviors. Caution's yellow would slow us down constantly to look both ways before we make a choice. Red would warn us to stop or there will be dangerous outcomes, and green would give us such security about doing the right thing. Unless, someone else runs the red light and turns our green into a fateful accident. There are so many mixed messages about socially acceptable or politically correct behavior, that our internal light signals no longer protect us. Single girls are sexually involved, unmarried women are having babies, couples live together without legal permission or rights, and women abort babies they don't want or think they can't handle. These are all common occurrences that are supported by society even though many people may believe it is morally wrong. Women realize that they and their children are 90% of the poor in America, and undervalued in many countries of the world. So, how can we find security and meaningful lives in this century? We should start by controlling our sexuality and fight against the problem of the penis. Women are in relationships with no promises and no permanence because they believe that the freedom is empowering, when in fact it causes delays in their hopes and dreams.

Fine China

My daughters appear delicate at times and resilient when I think they would collapse. Moms need to always be strong and set a good example. But, we are in fact like fine china. We want to be special, and treated with care. We want to be appreciated for our artistry and refinement. And we never want to be dropped or we will be broken into a dozen pieces. As I pack the fine china to move into a smaller home, I wonder what I will do with it. Every piece was a gift or belonged to my grandmothers who are now gone. The delicate cream and sugar bowls seem to be relics of the past when there was time to sit and have tea and chat with ladies. My daughters will probably not use such things or care about them. I enjoyed hosting teas and having women over for book discussions or Sunday School meetings. Do women do that anymore? I now send text messages to my girlfriends if I want to hear from them. And when we get together at parties; the men and women split so that one group can talk sports and politics and the other about children and charities. Easy to guess which is which, isn't it? My daughters have collected many nick knacks over the years. They will also have to pack them up or sort through and decide if they have any use. Their books will be replaced by Kindles, and the thousands of crayons markers and pens will be replaced by keyboards and touch screens. What goes in the garbage will make archaeologists scratch their heads in a hundred and thousand years. But all our trappings are really just a distraction from the fact that we surround ourselves with items that have memories. We want to hold on to the good feelings we had with the people who taught us and brought us love. Moving helps us to let go of things. It should NEVER make us let go of love and the people we love.

Concertric Circles

Concentric Circles

Release the pain,
Embrace the power.

A path to contentment is circling back
To remember and release.
Then to persuade and assist company
On the revolution of time
Into eternity.

In my midnight world
Where reality is beyond reality,
I am plagued by the painful conflicts
I deny in the daylight.

The gift is to awake
And find the madness to be false
In that way we control the outcomes.
I recognize the crazy clues,
That allows me to step
To the next level of subconscious,
Letting go each layer of disappointment
And unreasonable desire.

The new day revolves around a center
Where the half night exists only to be awakened
By the next sleep.

We release the pain through meditation,
Only to gather new ones
Through sloth and excessiveness of the mind and body.
The pain can be released
Through slow and patient manipulations
And replaced with the power
To assist souls in their orbits.

We are not linear
But cyclical spins of atomic power.
I am the planet comatose.

Kimalaya 2010

Contact and Attention

How often should a mom call her daughters and how often should they contact their mother. Remember that if they contact their father, he may forget to mention it. My generation was used to a call once a week. My mother would not do long distance unless it was really important, so she wrote hr mother once a month. With cell phones, and social networking it is easy to drop a line anytime without disturbing anyone. But that is not enough! We want to hear our children's voices!! WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU. So, a phone call once a week would be nice in an ordinary circumstance. But, I found out that my husband tries to touch base with our daughters everyday to make sure they are okay in their distance environs. So, my daughters forget to call or return the call when I have left messages and emails. Why is this happening? It makes it sound like I am hovering, but i am just trying to get a response from just one of my communication equipment. I tried to make appointments to talk, I tried waiting patiently, and I have tried threats such as: " I am dying and need help". Nothing works. I have to go back to being patient. Eventually someone will need something from me and will call.

Financial Intervention

We love to spoil our children and give them their heart's desire. And then they learn to talk and say, "I want". All parents then learn to say, "Maybe, if you are good, next time, and no". But still we want our children to have everything. So, now that they are independent adults, how much help is appropriate? When do parents or their children learn to live within their means and work for the things we need and want? I thought a credit card would be a mistake. My husband wanted our children to have one as a safety net. All three have had shopping sprees with out notice or a thank you when the bill came. Entitlement? Our oldest lives with in her means now and is saving for the future. Our middle child is practically independent, but pays no rent to live in our condo. Our youngest is engaged but still completely dependent and thinks nothing of using her plastic. All three hop on planes like it is taking a bike ride for the day. Spoiled? I just sound like a very bad and mean mom if I question these things which daddy freely gives. And it seems that my desires must be paid for with my own hard work. I hope the the future hubbies can handle the money bag. We have plenty of material things for the girls to choose to use. They need to save for the future or for a rainy day- heaven forbid a flood.

Let them Live their Own Lives

There is no stopping the constant mothering of a child, no matter their age. It is important to let children grow to find their independence and live life the way they see fit. There must be satisfaction for parents who have children that follow in their footsteps, and elation for parents who have children that far exceed their expectation. Reality is that we still find small things that frustrate us on both sides of the relationship. We can be proud that our child has a full time job with benefits, but pissed that they still don't pick up their clothes form the floor. Or, we can tell our children how excited we are that they bought their first car, and still erupt when they arrive late to occasions. This constant conflict is driving me crazy.

Lessons by the Shore

Sunrise by the ocean is a quiet place.

Joggers, shell hunters, walkers all say good morning as we politely pass by.

The rising tide drops millions of abandoned ocean homes.

I suddenly spy several conch fragments in one alcove.

They are black marbled cement heavy.

I line them up like sunbathers on a cruise ship.

Ten feet away there are more that are added to the collection.

A family reunion that keeps growing until there are 22, 35, now 43

in a row at the surf edge.

Joggers take notice.

Walkers point and remark soft words of amusement.

Forty-seven fabulous finds await a family of five who are collecting and not suspecting

An arranged artistry of prized shells. They ogle and look to me as I add one more.

I have brought home beach treasures to remind me of the happiness I feel there.

What right do I have to keep them sequestered in my own hiding place?

The oldest cherub faced boy asks, "Are these yours?"

"No," I say, "they belong to the ocean.

I put them there for fun and you can take them if they give you happiness."

"I want the big one," he says to his family, "Let's all pick one".

Man's art is only to rearrange nature.

Pigments, minerals, materials we organize

Never capture what the earth has perfectly formed

To give us happiness.

Less is Best

The less I say the better off I am. It seems that I can share the most mundane piece of information or remark about the smallest fact and it turns into a circle of blame and shame. Unfortunately, I have opinions on most things and I am willing to share them whenever I am engaged in conversation. My time with adults is only a fraction of the day, so I do sometimes become exuberant about a tiny mole hill. Lately, I am obsessed with an upcoming family gathering. I feel certain that there will be people who ignore me, avoid me, embarrass me, slight me, scold me, and roll their eyes at me. I pray to God that someone will love me. But, good grief it is not about me! I know that. I have become sensitive to so many hurts of the past. If there was a happy pill (that did not involve addiction) or a magic wand (that did not involve selling my soul); I would take it and use it and get over the past and enjoy the present. Don't we all just want to enjoy ourselves and be accepted by the people we are with? Cliche maybe, my goal will be to provide what is needed ( food and shelter) and try so very hard not to say anything personal. I will stick to sports and go back to the shy listener I used to be. Invisible is easy.

The Change

In the five years that my mother has been gone, my life has gone through many changes. Now the matriarch of the family; I have gained 20 pounds, resigned from a job, become an empty Nestor, lost touch with friends, found some old friends, and got a little better at golf. The biggest issue is menopause! While my young daughters are fertile and thinking of marriage and children, I may have finally had the last period. I begged for this time to arrive and even had a uterine ablation to avoid surgery and hopefully speed up the "change". Now there are new annoyances. Hemorrhoids have appeared- well i can't see them but I sure can feel something funny going on. Saddlebags have appeared, and I can't button my pants. Grey hair has appeared. Sure, I can dye it like all my friends, and struggle with the roots and chemicals- yuk. I can diet like all my friends. But, I really eat in a pretty healthy manner and exercise weekly although less than I used to. I didn't used to read or write- so, there is the trade off. My family tells me I am beautiful and that I don't need to change. Moles have appeared. The darn things have always plagued me. Arthritis, or something like it is attacking my hands and feet. Ouch, itch, and arg! How often should I be bugging the doctor about these things? Time for a good physical and consultation. But I hate the tests and the further tests that always seem necessary to find out that my breasts are fine and my fibroids are fine and my cervix is fine, my colon is cute, and my teeth are getting chipped and yellow. Poop! Oh, yes I need more fiber I am sure. I know an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But, there is no cure for getting old. Adding more fun, helps us to forget we are old and still in debt. So, let's go dancing and have a few cocktails. The bus leaves at 5:00.

Weddings

It is wonderful that weddings are still popular. We went to five last year and have three that are planned for this year and maybe more. I don't think it is that difficult to plan one, but it may be difficult to accommodate everyone with work schedules and traveling distance. The real question for me is: How expensive does it need to be? I like to keep things simple, and my wedding was fairly simple. We did not have music and dancing at the reception. We had a buffet style dinner and floral decorations from the gardens of friends. My parents still had to take out a loan to pay for it, and my in-laws contributed a great deal by paying the bar bill and hosting the rehearsal dinner. I am sure my daughters have a few dreams in mind for the big day. My husband really wishes he could contribute to their living needs and not just to a blow-out party. So, what are the important parts of a wedding? Two families coming together to bless the relationship and the couple making a spiritual commitment of love to each other.

Crazy thing happened while I was writing this. Hannah called to tell me she is engaged! She has since been on-line looking at dresses flowers invitations and party favors. We went to two dress shops and she has decided that satin antique pearl or cafe is the fabric and color for her. So, here we go. I am feeling very excited and so is the rest of the family. Now it is hard to finish answering the question of what is important. Hope I don't become mother of the bridezilla. Hannah has taken the lead and I will try my best to make her dream come true.