Let them Live their Own Lives

There is no stopping the constant mothering of a child, no matter their age. It is important to let children grow to find their independence and live life the way they see fit. There must be satisfaction for parents who have children that follow in their footsteps, and elation for parents who have children that far exceed their expectation. Reality is that we still find small things that frustrate us on both sides of the relationship. We can be proud that our child has a full time job with benefits, but pissed that they still don't pick up their clothes form the floor. Or, we can tell our children how excited we are that they bought their first car, and still erupt when they arrive late to occasions. This constant conflict is driving me crazy.

Lessons by the Shore

Sunrise by the ocean is a quiet place.

Joggers, shell hunters, walkers all say good morning as we politely pass by.

The rising tide drops millions of abandoned ocean homes.

I suddenly spy several conch fragments in one alcove.

They are black marbled cement heavy.

I line them up like sunbathers on a cruise ship.

Ten feet away there are more that are added to the collection.

A family reunion that keeps growing until there are 22, 35, now 43

in a row at the surf edge.

Joggers take notice.

Walkers point and remark soft words of amusement.

Forty-seven fabulous finds await a family of five who are collecting and not suspecting

An arranged artistry of prized shells. They ogle and look to me as I add one more.

I have brought home beach treasures to remind me of the happiness I feel there.

What right do I have to keep them sequestered in my own hiding place?

The oldest cherub faced boy asks, "Are these yours?"

"No," I say, "they belong to the ocean.

I put them there for fun and you can take them if they give you happiness."

"I want the big one," he says to his family, "Let's all pick one".

Man's art is only to rearrange nature.

Pigments, minerals, materials we organize

Never capture what the earth has perfectly formed

To give us happiness.

Less is Best

The less I say the better off I am. It seems that I can share the most mundane piece of information or remark about the smallest fact and it turns into a circle of blame and shame. Unfortunately, I have opinions on most things and I am willing to share them whenever I am engaged in conversation. My time with adults is only a fraction of the day, so I do sometimes become exuberant about a tiny mole hill. Lately, I am obsessed with an upcoming family gathering. I feel certain that there will be people who ignore me, avoid me, embarrass me, slight me, scold me, and roll their eyes at me. I pray to God that someone will love me. But, good grief it is not about me! I know that. I have become sensitive to so many hurts of the past. If there was a happy pill (that did not involve addiction) or a magic wand (that did not involve selling my soul); I would take it and use it and get over the past and enjoy the present. Don't we all just want to enjoy ourselves and be accepted by the people we are with? Cliche maybe, my goal will be to provide what is needed ( food and shelter) and try so very hard not to say anything personal. I will stick to sports and go back to the shy listener I used to be. Invisible is easy.

The Change

In the five years that my mother has been gone, my life has gone through many changes. Now the matriarch of the family; I have gained 20 pounds, resigned from a job, become an empty Nestor, lost touch with friends, found some old friends, and got a little better at golf. The biggest issue is menopause! While my young daughters are fertile and thinking of marriage and children, I may have finally had the last period. I begged for this time to arrive and even had a uterine ablation to avoid surgery and hopefully speed up the "change". Now there are new annoyances. Hemorrhoids have appeared- well i can't see them but I sure can feel something funny going on. Saddlebags have appeared, and I can't button my pants. Grey hair has appeared. Sure, I can dye it like all my friends, and struggle with the roots and chemicals- yuk. I can diet like all my friends. But, I really eat in a pretty healthy manner and exercise weekly although less than I used to. I didn't used to read or write- so, there is the trade off. My family tells me I am beautiful and that I don't need to change. Moles have appeared. The darn things have always plagued me. Arthritis, or something like it is attacking my hands and feet. Ouch, itch, and arg! How often should I be bugging the doctor about these things? Time for a good physical and consultation. But I hate the tests and the further tests that always seem necessary to find out that my breasts are fine and my fibroids are fine and my cervix is fine, my colon is cute, and my teeth are getting chipped and yellow. Poop! Oh, yes I need more fiber I am sure. I know an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But, there is no cure for getting old. Adding more fun, helps us to forget we are old and still in debt. So, let's go dancing and have a few cocktails. The bus leaves at 5:00.

Weddings

It is wonderful that weddings are still popular. We went to five last year and have three that are planned for this year and maybe more. I don't think it is that difficult to plan one, but it may be difficult to accommodate everyone with work schedules and traveling distance. The real question for me is: How expensive does it need to be? I like to keep things simple, and my wedding was fairly simple. We did not have music and dancing at the reception. We had a buffet style dinner and floral decorations from the gardens of friends. My parents still had to take out a loan to pay for it, and my in-laws contributed a great deal by paying the bar bill and hosting the rehearsal dinner. I am sure my daughters have a few dreams in mind for the big day. My husband really wishes he could contribute to their living needs and not just to a blow-out party. So, what are the important parts of a wedding? Two families coming together to bless the relationship and the couple making a spiritual commitment of love to each other.

Crazy thing happened while I was writing this. Hannah called to tell me she is engaged! She has since been on-line looking at dresses flowers invitations and party favors. We went to two dress shops and she has decided that satin antique pearl or cafe is the fabric and color for her. So, here we go. I am feeling very excited and so is the rest of the family. Now it is hard to finish answering the question of what is important. Hope I don't become mother of the bridezilla. Hannah has taken the lead and I will try my best to make her dream come true.

Acceptance

What do you do when one daughter is not fond of her sister's boyfriend? Three girls who got along beautifully, now claim they will boycott the other's wedding; not come to family reunions if the other is there; and even quit speaking to one another. Ridiculous I say! It is hard enough for a mother to let go, it is hard for a father to think of his baby girl as a grown up, but I didn't know it would be hard for sisters to accept "new children" into the family in the shape of men. Daddy was the only one, with occasional influence from grandpa. It may be that with time they will all feel comfortable, but until then there is many a rolled eye and heavy sigh when a boyfriend's name is mentioned. Can it be that no boy can be good enough for a baby sister. Can it be that sisters want to exercise control or just think of each other as playmates forever? All I know is that conflict is not healthy in this case. So, once again, I listen, I suggest, I try to explain, and then listen some more. The sisters seem to be doing my job and letting me be the "good cop". I hope I don't talk myself into accepting a situation that I don't like. It is not really my decision, though I now see the benefits of an arranged marriage. If the gentlemen like sports they will get along with my husband just fine. if they love my daughter with the loyalty and respect that I have been shown, they will get along with me just fine. Like my dad wrote in a letter to me," It takes a high level of admiration, respect, enjoyment, and passion to know that you have found and ideal mate." If my daughters have found all of these things, they are truly lucky and blessed.

Keeping Up With Computing

My question was simple, "How do I make a playlist of music"? Well, the answer had ten directions from my daughter for each step. She was trying to show me, and I knew I would not remember without trying it myself. She also added sticky notes with the directions and showed me ten features that go with that. There were ten more directions on how to buy Itunes. Ten more directions on loading a CD and downloading music. Ten more directions on loading music to my Ipod. I forgot to mention that I did not know my password, so there were ten directions to locate it. I had to walk away to get a breath of air while my head was spinning. I kept saying, "Just stick to one thing", and she kept saying, "Have patience, you are acting like a twelve year old". Oh, so this really was good training for her in motherhood, and she is not even married yet. I learned five new skills out of the hundred she gave me and she learned a few new ones as well. We kept hugging as I got them right. Now she is going back to college and I will be on my own again. I will miss you Hannah. Email me, blog to me, facebook me, text me, or just call once a week. She is a Communications major in Photo Journalism- send me a picture! If she can teach a techno illiterate like me she is ready to work in the real world. Are there any internships out there for the summer?