Contact and Attention

How often should a mom call her daughters and how often should they contact their mother. Remember that if they contact their father, he may forget to mention it. My generation was used to a call once a week. My mother would not do long distance unless it was really important, so she wrote hr mother once a month. With cell phones, and social networking it is easy to drop a line anytime without disturbing anyone. But that is not enough! We want to hear our children's voices!! WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU. So, a phone call once a week would be nice in an ordinary circumstance. But, I found out that my husband tries to touch base with our daughters everyday to make sure they are okay in their distance environs. So, my daughters forget to call or return the call when I have left messages and emails. Why is this happening? It makes it sound like I am hovering, but i am just trying to get a response from just one of my communication equipment. I tried to make appointments to talk, I tried waiting patiently, and I have tried threats such as: " I am dying and need help". Nothing works. I have to go back to being patient. Eventually someone will need something from me and will call.

Financial Intervention

We love to spoil our children and give them their heart's desire. And then they learn to talk and say, "I want". All parents then learn to say, "Maybe, if you are good, next time, and no". But still we want our children to have everything. So, now that they are independent adults, how much help is appropriate? When do parents or their children learn to live within their means and work for the things we need and want? I thought a credit card would be a mistake. My husband wanted our children to have one as a safety net. All three have had shopping sprees with out notice or a thank you when the bill came. Entitlement? Our oldest lives with in her means now and is saving for the future. Our middle child is practically independent, but pays no rent to live in our condo. Our youngest is engaged but still completely dependent and thinks nothing of using her plastic. All three hop on planes like it is taking a bike ride for the day. Spoiled? I just sound like a very bad and mean mom if I question these things which daddy freely gives. And it seems that my desires must be paid for with my own hard work. I hope the the future hubbies can handle the money bag. We have plenty of material things for the girls to choose to use. They need to save for the future or for a rainy day- heaven forbid a flood.

Let them Live their Own Lives

There is no stopping the constant mothering of a child, no matter their age. It is important to let children grow to find their independence and live life the way they see fit. There must be satisfaction for parents who have children that follow in their footsteps, and elation for parents who have children that far exceed their expectation. Reality is that we still find small things that frustrate us on both sides of the relationship. We can be proud that our child has a full time job with benefits, but pissed that they still don't pick up their clothes form the floor. Or, we can tell our children how excited we are that they bought their first car, and still erupt when they arrive late to occasions. This constant conflict is driving me crazy.

Lessons by the Shore

Sunrise by the ocean is a quiet place.

Joggers, shell hunters, walkers all say good morning as we politely pass by.

The rising tide drops millions of abandoned ocean homes.

I suddenly spy several conch fragments in one alcove.

They are black marbled cement heavy.

I line them up like sunbathers on a cruise ship.

Ten feet away there are more that are added to the collection.

A family reunion that keeps growing until there are 22, 35, now 43

in a row at the surf edge.

Joggers take notice.

Walkers point and remark soft words of amusement.

Forty-seven fabulous finds await a family of five who are collecting and not suspecting

An arranged artistry of prized shells. They ogle and look to me as I add one more.

I have brought home beach treasures to remind me of the happiness I feel there.

What right do I have to keep them sequestered in my own hiding place?

The oldest cherub faced boy asks, "Are these yours?"

"No," I say, "they belong to the ocean.

I put them there for fun and you can take them if they give you happiness."

"I want the big one," he says to his family, "Let's all pick one".

Man's art is only to rearrange nature.

Pigments, minerals, materials we organize

Never capture what the earth has perfectly formed

To give us happiness.

Less is Best

The less I say the better off I am. It seems that I can share the most mundane piece of information or remark about the smallest fact and it turns into a circle of blame and shame. Unfortunately, I have opinions on most things and I am willing to share them whenever I am engaged in conversation. My time with adults is only a fraction of the day, so I do sometimes become exuberant about a tiny mole hill. Lately, I am obsessed with an upcoming family gathering. I feel certain that there will be people who ignore me, avoid me, embarrass me, slight me, scold me, and roll their eyes at me. I pray to God that someone will love me. But, good grief it is not about me! I know that. I have become sensitive to so many hurts of the past. If there was a happy pill (that did not involve addiction) or a magic wand (that did not involve selling my soul); I would take it and use it and get over the past and enjoy the present. Don't we all just want to enjoy ourselves and be accepted by the people we are with? Cliche maybe, my goal will be to provide what is needed ( food and shelter) and try so very hard not to say anything personal. I will stick to sports and go back to the shy listener I used to be. Invisible is easy.

The Change

In the five years that my mother has been gone, my life has gone through many changes. Now the matriarch of the family; I have gained 20 pounds, resigned from a job, become an empty Nestor, lost touch with friends, found some old friends, and got a little better at golf. The biggest issue is menopause! While my young daughters are fertile and thinking of marriage and children, I may have finally had the last period. I begged for this time to arrive and even had a uterine ablation to avoid surgery and hopefully speed up the "change". Now there are new annoyances. Hemorrhoids have appeared- well i can't see them but I sure can feel something funny going on. Saddlebags have appeared, and I can't button my pants. Grey hair has appeared. Sure, I can dye it like all my friends, and struggle with the roots and chemicals- yuk. I can diet like all my friends. But, I really eat in a pretty healthy manner and exercise weekly although less than I used to. I didn't used to read or write- so, there is the trade off. My family tells me I am beautiful and that I don't need to change. Moles have appeared. The darn things have always plagued me. Arthritis, or something like it is attacking my hands and feet. Ouch, itch, and arg! How often should I be bugging the doctor about these things? Time for a good physical and consultation. But I hate the tests and the further tests that always seem necessary to find out that my breasts are fine and my fibroids are fine and my cervix is fine, my colon is cute, and my teeth are getting chipped and yellow. Poop! Oh, yes I need more fiber I am sure. I know an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. But, there is no cure for getting old. Adding more fun, helps us to forget we are old and still in debt. So, let's go dancing and have a few cocktails. The bus leaves at 5:00.

Weddings

It is wonderful that weddings are still popular. We went to five last year and have three that are planned for this year and maybe more. I don't think it is that difficult to plan one, but it may be difficult to accommodate everyone with work schedules and traveling distance. The real question for me is: How expensive does it need to be? I like to keep things simple, and my wedding was fairly simple. We did not have music and dancing at the reception. We had a buffet style dinner and floral decorations from the gardens of friends. My parents still had to take out a loan to pay for it, and my in-laws contributed a great deal by paying the bar bill and hosting the rehearsal dinner. I am sure my daughters have a few dreams in mind for the big day. My husband really wishes he could contribute to their living needs and not just to a blow-out party. So, what are the important parts of a wedding? Two families coming together to bless the relationship and the couple making a spiritual commitment of love to each other.

Crazy thing happened while I was writing this. Hannah called to tell me she is engaged! She has since been on-line looking at dresses flowers invitations and party favors. We went to two dress shops and she has decided that satin antique pearl or cafe is the fabric and color for her. So, here we go. I am feeling very excited and so is the rest of the family. Now it is hard to finish answering the question of what is important. Hope I don't become mother of the bridezilla. Hannah has taken the lead and I will try my best to make her dream come true.